I'm

Well as I may, I washed your stink away,
but your treacherous grip remains.

i tried to wash your prints from my day,
but every soiled spot left stains.

 I got accepted to the University of Iowa, and I really don't know how to feel about it. I think I'm going. Brush that dirt off ya' shoulder.


You never want to be the remainder.
You stayed until the shine wore off.

 the one thing i regret about growing up is growing past the age of irreverence without ever experiencing its fruits.

 These days I've run out of steam. It isn't like something ruthlessly came in and swept my feet out from under me like stilts or drained my enthusiasm (or maybe it is). I'm just remarkably stoic... and that's a rarity for someone so ridiculously emotional. My medication has leveled me to flatline, and I think my creativity and vigour went along with it.

When it comes down do it, though, I'm not even looking for the source. I just feel bad for the people around me that have to deal with this braindead human being walking around, zombified and rotting in his slowly-melting winter jacket. 

Spring is here, and I'm going to have to deal with that. I used to get pretty hyped up, but nowadays it seems like the only things that activate me are my girlfriend and working out (the latter really only hurts me, because of my heart condition), ergo it's a rarity that I show anything but a flaccid brain and a placid heart. 

I took 10mg tonight. Maybe that will work. Hopefully. I wanna be SO ABLE. 

 I realize now that I have lost my childhood and my innocence. I can no longer have real fun without also involving complete mental distortion.

Like how a child spins too fast and falls to the ground.
I'm reaching for ways to feel like I'm falling, again.

that girl i mentioned a couple posts ago: new girlfriend.

times they are a-changin'. My heart is falling faster than the temperature outside, and her voice is the only thing keeping me warm.

 in my dream last night i punched out your car window and tore your throat open.


it was kind of violent.

 i found a gem, and she kisses like a cigarette. scares the shit out of me, too, because this is me getting my feet wet. 

'bout to be blind-sided by these grown-up women.

 i will forever blaspheme a god with which i cannot relate

This picture reminds me of someone rather special to me...





So much that it hurts.

put it to a good use, your pain.

you're so cold i can see my breath
in the palm of your hands,
these hands in which i'd gladly pay
to find myself a place to lay.

money-monger, carry home
the baffled customers you hunt alone.
i'll lay my skin on keys and comb
the desert just to find your tone.

in the darkness while we breathe so softly out of our bodies,
i'll capture the hunter with my deep-red hands
and i'll watch as you heave

i think it's pretty odd he could rape you of your pride but fill you with such delight.

Just remember
for in the moments
that you are tearing through her bones:
the night always follows.
There is no escaping the evening's frost. 

it makes me think of petals
falling down like withering flowers,
and how winter steals our young.

the second coming keeps
his lies pouring from his sides,
and no one suspects
that his curved words never meant a thing.

write it down, 
your words will only ever 
disappear in time
like snow in spring.

 i write mostly hooks. the one-liners that you'd expect to be the turning point of a song.

from here on out, my hooks will bond together like chain-link and form something big. 

it WILL be big. 

 each needle tastes the same, but
with each bite i grow hungrier

 I've noticed that what is commonly known as the 'subconscious' holds a tighter reign on me than I had ever imagined. This is only really proven if you know how I work, so I'll give a few examples.

I used to have a pretty tight grip on my reputation (you could call me defensive or whatever, I just knew precisely what I could say to certain people); it was a reason for my falling out with quite a few friends who didn't know how to keep their mouths shut. I now realize that I really didn't have any reason to be so paranoid, but it's easy enough to forget all the reasons to wait it out when you're faced with such overwhelming imagined-states.

Second example lies in my 'heart condition'. I've got a couple acronyms, SVT and WPWS. People in the know will recognize those, I'll...


I never finished writing about this. I'll jump back later.
for now, read more things I can't remember writing.

i've got a place inside my head

it tells me everything i've said

yea...

i've got a place inside my heart

it keeps me cold and feeds my art, oh no

nine months waiting, but only to see

that we're all just little rowboats at sea,

and the only thing holding us back

is the cold realization that death is 

a sickness too easily caught,

a drink too quickly bought.

the slow fade-out...

it really is more abrupt than they make it out to seem.

it's not because you weren't prepared

(though maybe it is);

it's moreso because 

you've spent each day after birth thinking

you'll never reach 'that day'.

you know that day... 

the one your friends tell you about

only because they think they could fly past it

and your parents warn you about

only because they're hoping to be closer than you ever will be.

if you're lucky, you'll see the sunset before evening falls.

if not, then i wouldn't vouch against meeting a few wolves out there.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

you caught me yesterday

shrugging off my day in the natural light

 

call me out

as many times as you may

you pave the road 

i'm using to walk away

last night i dreamed of the attack of Giga the destroyer

great boulders hurdling from the sky,

destroying our only means of escape

 

my next dream was of my lying

prostrate on the ground,

clutching my wrists 

which were dripping rose petals

much like a withering flower slowly losing its beauty

or when winter steals from us our young

 

the imminent beauty in it all, the utter fear,

it's almost realistic, but only in the surreal sense.

 

which makes me wonder what beauty there is, really.

 

my next dream she stormed into your room with her child

told you how you were living a lie

i was too horrified to watch

but far too gleeful to stop it,

and i was weightless, imparticular, immobile,

stuck in a mold that i fit so well

a mold only built by me.

we sunk like pillows in each others’ arms
and watched the world escape so high above us
deep sound like echo, there’s no harm
in careful planning, all of this

 

i knew that it could never last
but  i’m lost within your pyramids.
for this permanent loneliness
i’m just a temporary fix

but lo’ to us a star is born

and we drowned him in a barrel.

 in other news, the new Animal Collective album that's due out soon has the trippiest artwork:

 It's a sign of my loneliness that I'm talking to myself again.

fuck.

So the other day, I just completely blew up on one of my friends, and now we're at the point where she's avoiding me out of anger, and I'm avoiding her out of nonchalance. I can't really figure out whether I should apologize/ talk/ worry/ bother, because to be honest I'm finally back to the happiness I think I was feeling a couple weeks ago, before I started worrying about her drama-mongering. 
   In other news, I'm failing school. Big surprise. Honestly, with my being so fucking smart, I'm a moron with homework.

   Other other news, my milkshake brings all the girls to the yard?

Damn right.

 Something inside of me is broken. I'm not being figurative this time and referring to my heart or purpose...

I'm afraid that I will be literally insane, soon. It could be for one of two reasons:

1. I'm so enlightened that my input is unwelcome

2. My brain chemistry is finally pushing me into a personality disorder.

Could be both, though. Woooooo I need a hug...